“The Proposal”

PARALLEL CHARLIE:
Let’s be honest, Charlie:
you have got some problems.
I can be the guy you need
to help you move beyond them.

Let’s be straight here, Charlie:
you could use a hand.
I’ve arrived to help you thrive
and I have brought this plan.

You are shy where I am rather charming.
I’m relaxed where you’re so ill at ease.
People look at me and see you,
so let me pretend to be you,
and I’ll get you all the things you think you need.

CHARLIE: Huh?

PARALLEL CHARLIE:
Yes, I can be delightful and disarming,
I am well-composed where you’re all nerves.
Just think of what awaits you,
if you let me imitate you,
you can get the reputation you deserve.

CHARLIE: What? What are you talking about?

PARALLEL CHARLIE: It’s simple, Charlie. I pretend to be you. But not the current you—a better you. And as I become that better you, you’ll become that better you too, to everyone else, until some day you’ll be him even without my help, because everyone else will already see you that way.

Just picture confidence increasing,
popularity unceasing,
doubts forsaken,
a new you wakened!

Picture social versatility,
a thousand possibilities,
thrills abound you,
girls surround you,
all your insecurities will cease to hound you!

And what about Lila? What, you didn’t think I knew?
Are things with Lila not exactly working out for you?
I can get you Lila, Charlie, watch and you will see.
So she doesn’t like you? I bet she’d like me.

CHARLIE: Oh. Oh. Wow. But this is—

PARALLEL CHARLIE: Totally insane, right?

CHARLIE: Yes! It’s totally— and I mean it wouldn’t—

PARALLEL CHARLIE:
Well, it’s not like I’d take over your whole life, now.
It’s not like you’d be totally displaced.
But for pesky frustrations
in those awkward situations,
I’d be ready right behind you, just in case.

So say the word and we’ll get started right now.
Tell me the location, date, and time.
‘Cause life can be much better
if we take it on together:
just think of what we’ll be when we combine!

BOTH: Just picture confidence increasing,
popularity unceasing,
PARALLEL CHARLIE: Life in slow-mo,
more Facebook photos!

BOTH: Picture social versatility,
a thousand possibilities,
PARALLEL CHARLIE: New flirtations,
new relations,
BOTH: endless fun and unrelenting good vibrations!

PARALLEL CHARLIE: And what about Lila?
CHARLIE: Do you really think I could?
PARALLEL CHARLIE: Just picture you and Lila.
CHARLIE: I mean, that’d just be so good.
PARALLEL CHARLIE: I can get you Lila, but listen to me now.
It’s never gonna happen if you cannot change somehow.

CHARLIE: Okay, but... I mean, this seems... extreme, and I mean...

A moment of clarity.

And I mean who the fuck are you anyways? I mean, what the fuck is this?!

PARALLEL CHARLIE: Imagine: people won’t avoid you,
a party won’t destroy you,
you’ll stop leaving
for more lonely evenings.

No humiliations,
no broken expectations,
or ego bruisers—
CHARLIE: Lila?
PARALLEL CHARLIE: Screw her!
Use me and you’ll prove to her you’re not a loser!

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